Millennialism

The mind is a complicated system. A perfect system riddled with imperfections - a paradox of abstract ideas. It controls us, and we it. Like a computer - your brain utilizes sorting algorithms with the data it is processing. The way this data is sorted creates perception - perception leads to judgment. In our experiences, we sort through the data our environment presents us with and judge the reality that surrounds us. You, the player, are one of the algorithms in this system. In our complex lives, we all feel like we have fragmented personalities because of our ever-changing ideologies, beliefs and decision-making thought loops. We are not perfect, therefore, we do not rely on solely one algorithm to sort our data. We are in flux and sometimes, our diverse set of algorithms lead us down paths that we thought we didn't want to go down. You will process data as you see fit, but the system is infected. There's evidence of malware - the malware hijacks the system and sorts the data in ways that are harmful to the system's sustainability. Your goal isn't to delete the malware - once a system is infected, it becomes embedded in the main function. Your objective is simple, try to override the malware's versatility. Try. [[Let's begin->system.Start(main)]]

It's 8am. Time to get the day started. ... You should get out of bed. [[get up->nextMorning]] [[sleep a bit longer->select.Snooze(1)]]

You yank the blanket off of you and the winter chill turns your skin into a thin layer of ice. ... You sit up and stare into the wall as the ringing in your ears drowns out the world surrounding you. [[You try to get up->if.Try.(OVERRIDE)]]

You're warm and comfortable but your head feels light and there's a ringing in your ears. [[Close your eyes->Snoozing]]

You fall victim to the comforts of your bed. The bond is stronger than ever. No moment will be better than this. Oh. You slept longer than you were ecxpecting. Just like yesterday. And the day before that. Shame. [[tryAGAIN]]

System Error: Think. You think about the class you're going to attend and why it's pointless. You think of your poor grades. You think about how hungry you are but how you're too tired to cook. But if you get up and to cook now you'll have plenty of time. But you know you're not going to do that. Think it through. Think. Think. Think. OH LOOK - IT'S BEEN 8 MINUTES [[Snoooooooze->SNOOZE]] [[Get up!!->tryAGAIN]]

You get back into your bed. Your body feels cold. It's not the winter chill. It's coming from within. You shake uncontrollably. [[tryAGAIN]]

Think. Think. Think. Loop. Loop. Loop. Why do you feel like doing nothing yet you know you should be doing everything. Stop. Don't stop. Get up. Sleep. Self care. Self depricating. [[BREAK]]

Hey, good job, you broke the loop. You're out of bed. ... Routine: -Bathroom -Change -Groom ... You stare into the mirror. ... ANOTHER 4 MINUTES GONE - WHERE DID THEY GO? *lost data* You have three rational choices (this isn't true, you always have more, and you know this, yet, only three(?)) ((INFECTION)) [[Go eat->EAT]] [[Go to school->Leave]] [[Go back to bed->Snoozing]]

God, you'd love a decent breakfast - the most important meal of the day Especially when considering you went to bed hungry last night. [[OVERRIDE: FOOD]]

You exit your house. The suns out. It's not too warm. It's not too cold. Nothinkg to complain about. ... You try to enjoy the morning breeze and the sounds of the waking world. You don't seem to feel like you're enjoying it...? You try to enjoy it...harder? ... Great. Now you're moody because you couldn't enjoy something so simple. Why does this always happen...? [[Just get to school->Bus]]

Jokes on you, no time for food. You wasted time thinking about it. How will this affect my mood? My well being? Should I cook or warm something up? I should just buy something at school. Oh, wait, I don't have money to spare. (That didn't stop you when you went out for some drinks the other night) ... What were you doing again...? Oh, right! School! [[Go to school->Leave]]

This is easy - you can just sit on the bus - watch people, listen to your music, relax. [[THINK->OVERRIDE: BUS.failure]]

Why are they looking at you like that. What do they think. You should talk to them. No, that's weird. You're fucking weird. Sit still. SHIT - WE MADE EYE CONTACT they hate you they don't know you they hate you they don't know you they hate you they don't know you they hate you you hate them NO ... *lost data* ... [[YOU MISSED YOUR STOP->nextSTOP]]

The lecture is 10 minutes in. Nice going. Improvement over the 15 minute benchmark you set last week. Oh man, they're all staring at you. The professor probably remembers me and hates me. Unless... they don't know your name. Well... why would they? (Jesus, stop being so over-fucking-dramatic, nobody cares) ((So then why do you care...?)) ... SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION [[take notes->NOTES]] [[pull out your phone->PHONE]]

Scribble. Scribble. Scribble. Your chicken scratch covers the page - you know you're never going to read these words again. Your hand cramps and you begin to question what the point of anything is... (I've gotta give it to you, you really can complain about anything...) ... (it's not your fault) ... [[keep 'note taking'->note.Take.failing]] [[look at phone->PHONE]] [[leave->leave.Class]]

You look at your phone. You don't even try to pretend to be taking notes. You open one app, then the next, then the next. You close them and reopen them. Like clockwork. You're halfway through the lecture. [[Put your phone down->leave.Class]]

The scribbling continues. You realize you haven’t understood a single phrase the professor has stated throughout the entire ten minutes that you have been pretending to care. Your hand starts to wander. Your writing turns into doodling. You draw mindlessly. You realize what you’re doing. You look down in embarrassment. … Why is it always like this? … [[pull out your phone->PHONE]]

You get up and exit the lecture hall. You make sure to stare at your feet and avoid the judging scorns. Why? Why? Why? Why did you leave? Why? Why? What? What? What are you going to do now? What? What? What? How? How? How? How can you expect to do well like this? How? How? Why? Why? Why? Why are you here? Why are you wasting your time? Why? What's the point? How can you fix this? ... *lost data* ... The campus is calm. The day is going. It doesn't stop for you. [[go back to class->Init.m@lwaR3]] [[keep walking around->walk.Around]] [[go do homework->goDo.Work]] [[avoidance behavior->Init.m@lwaR3]]

Walking around is relieving. *Doing something*. The minimal energy exerted through the action of walking is enough stop the thinking. Left, right, left, right. Autonomacy. Breathing, controlled. You stare at every person you walk by. You analyze them. Judge them. think[/i]. ... Kind of takes the fun out of the walk... [[go back to class->Init.m@lwaR3]] [[go work->goDo.Work]]

Might as well try to get some work done while you're skipping class. You walk over to the library. You hardly come here - and you think of all of the times that you've come and done nothing. This won't be one of those times (it might be)[/i]. Everyone is so busy. Working, reading, studying, practicing, focusing. Don't give them so much credit - they're just as good at procrastinating as you are. But still, somehow, they're all better than you. ... Naturally, everything you try is a waste. ... [[Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework.Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework.Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework.Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework.Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework.Just do some fucking homework. Just do some fucking homework.->justDo.SomeFucking(homework)]]

... *empty* ... Think. Think. Think. *C O R R U P T E D* Data lost. Error. Error. Error. Error. [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(1)]]

You find a table. *Wrong table* Open up your back pack. *Why are you drawing so much attention* Set-up your study materials. *You're doing it wrong!!* Open up your assignments. ... *Think. Think. Think.* ... Focus. *Think* Focus. *Think* Focus. *Think* Focus. *Think* Focus. *Think* Focus. *Think* ... All this time wasted - nothing to show for it. [[Focus->tryTo.Focus]] [[Think->do.Think]] [[Leave->tryTo.Leave]]

You keep going back and forth between your phone and laptop screen. You can't help it - it's instinctive. Clockwork. Nothing new comes out of it. You just do it. Loops. In the meantime, the few moments of focus you manage to salvage are thin and short-lived. They last seconds, maybe minutes at a time before you go back to your phone screen. All that you manage to accomplish is opening up the web pages your work exist on. You maybe skim through a few lines of the readings, write some vague and unorganized notes. The cycle between the two screens is decent enough. Better than the cycle between thinking and not thinking. The moment you let the thoughts in... Oh, God... L00ps. It just goes. U cant make sens3 of It. [[m@lwar3->Init.m@lwaR3]]

You begin thinking about all of the other times you've gone to the library, ditched classes, stayed for lectures, skipped office hours, skipped tutoring. You play these memories back in your head and remember all of the assumptions you made then, and how you're still making them now. You realize that you're doing the exact same thing right this instance. You sit on this thought. Loop. Loop. Loop. You think deeper with each iteration. Unfortunately for you, deeper means darker - more pessimistic. The only outcomes you can fathom are negative. [[Corruption->Init.m@lwaR3]]

You look around. Who is watching. No one. *Everyone* You're afraid that you'll be judged after only getting there. If they won't judge you - then you will. You sit in your seat, look around, slowly close your tabs, slowly pack up your belongings. You end up staring at your phone again. Opening & closing the same social media apps you always do. Clockwork … *lost data* ... You get up and leave after you feel you're in the clear. [[what next?->Init.m@lwaR3]]

... *empty* ... Think. Think. Think. *C O R R U P T E D* Data lost. Error. Error. Error. Error. [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(1)]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(2)]]

... *empty* ... Think. Think. Think. *C O R R U P T E D* Data lost. Error. Error. Error. Error. [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(1)]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(2)]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(3)]] [[Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(4)]]

... *empty* ... Think. Think. Think. *C O R R U P T E D* Data lost. Error. Error. Error. Error. *// Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3 Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(1) Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(2) Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(3) Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(4) Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(5) Stop thinking->Init.m@lwaR3(6)//* ... System.log: "System Failure"; System.log: "Data lost. System Reset"; [[Y/N: Y->system.RESET]] [[Y/N: N->Init.m@lwaR3(6)]]

........ System.log: "RESET COMPLETE"; ... ... System.log: "System.Restore... + 'loading'" // This may take a few moments // // Making sure being is still sustainable // System.log: "Hello, world"; [[Reset Complete->RESET.complete]]

You're back. Isn't funny. You can feel broken. You can lose yourself in the malware. You get so used to it that these resets are routine. A part of the software's development cycle. Almost as if it was a routine firmware patch. You learn something new every time. What you can and can't handle. Where certain thoughts lead. That's the idea isn't it. Tracking it. Studying it. Adapting to it. You'll never defeat it. Until you do. They say it's possible. But you know you can't. STOP. Break. Don't think that. No ifs, ands or buts. They're theoretical. [[move on->goHome]]

You're done for the day. That's it. Good job. You're alive… You didn't let it get too bad. You handled the crash as good as anyone could. Hell, nobody noticed. You were around people and not a single one noticed that you were crashing right before their eyes. Not that they should have some sort of responsibility to do so - but still - you reassure yourself that you did not inconvenience anyone else with your pitiful panic attack. … Now, to do what you do best, never talk about this to anyone. Put on your 'everything is okay, I'm just tired' mask and go home. [[on the bus home->going.Home(bus)]]

Oh no, not the bus again. ... It's fine. You're way too tired to really care anyways. So you don't... ... You just... sit there... ... *lost data* ... You're halfway home and you didn't even register how you got off the bus. [[Don't care, keep walking->walkingTo.Home]]

You try to enjoy the walk home. It's autumn. Your favorite season. Everything is chaging. A nice reminder that the world constantly moves through space, working in a system of it's own. [[walking down your street->walkingTo.Home(Street)]]

Your neighbors are out and about. Everyone seems to be having a nice day. Oh, look, some dogs, you pretend to be super enthusiastic about them to make yourself believe that feel happy about it. But no, you really like dogs?! See? Funny how it makes you think the worst assumptions about yourself are true. Thinking leads to feelings, feelings lead to mood, mood dictates behavior. System. ... Walking by your neighbors causes you distress. Instead of being joyful that you are residing near other people who are open-minded and friendly. You let yourself be convinced that they are judging you. Regardless of whatever label you identify with, they will find a way to fear you... dislike you. That could be true for some, sure, but not for everyone. ... Geez, you're so fucking tired. And hungry, you haven't ate a single thing and you've been up for hours. Not to mention the fact that you've had a pretty stressful day, no? I'd say so. [[Home->enter.Home]]

Home is wherever my bed is. Go in, plow straight to the bedroom, and fly onto the bed. Home. [[Bed->Trapped]]

Today was quite an endeavor. Loop through the footage you obtained, the useless data you've archived and cycle through your percieved thoughts about it all. ... Can't be good. ... Resets get you going, but they don't fix a virus. You rest. That's all you can try to do at this point, you feel. [[sit in the deep abyss of your pain (the overdramatic option)->stay.inBed]] [[get up and face your problems (the overachieving option)->stay.inBed]] [[rest in bed for a few songs and then get up and make dinner (a rational option)->stay.inBed]]

You see. Your thoughts didn't matter because the other thoughts are stronger. It's not up to you. So, you're just going to lay here on your bed. [[Okay.->lost-data]]

You're in bed for too long. Too much time to think. Loops. Situations. Non-existant memories. They sit. And they gr0w. Become apart of u. Th3y show th3ms3lv3s mor3 and mor3 3v3ryday. [[Trigger->if(trigger)then(triggered)]]

Your phone rings. The real world is calling. Someone real wants your attention. How interesting. It's someone you care about. Anxiety, depression - they both come slamming in. But this is different. You're tired of them. You're annoyed. [[pick up the phone->"Hello"]] [[cry->"Cry"]]

You answer the phone. Whatever the conversation is, you feel accomplished for breaking a loop. One loop. But it felt good. You blank out for most of the conversation because you were thinking about this pretty intensly. But it's okay. You still feel okay. The conversation ends, they don't know what you've been through, been going through, and will go through tomorrow. Just think... Maybe some day you'll tell them. ... Too tired to think about that... You start to dwindle off. You crash. ... ... ... You wake up feeling a little better than before. [[Cycle Restart->system.Start(main)]]

You let the phone ring. You stare at it and finally mute it without dropping the call. A tear falls down your cheeck and pretty soon another one does too. You lay in bed crying your eyes out for the remainder of the day's hours, or at least util you can't physically do so anymore. ... *lost data* ... ... ... ... Good. You let it out. You go to bed and wake up hours later feeling a little better. [[Cycle Restart->system.Start(main)]]

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